Back in the Stirrups Again

Safely in the Second Trimester

2007-03-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since my last post, but I wanted to do a quick update just to say that baby and I are doing fine. I am now over 16 weeks along, which just blows my mind. The weeks seem to be going fast and I am amazed every day to still be pregnant. I've had 9 or 10 ultrasounds already and have gotten to see our little "Squirt" growing and kicking and moving all around. It is amazing. I listen to the heartbeat at home every day with a doppler I rented, so when I feel the urge to freak out, I can hear the baby and know that all is well.

We'll have our Big ultrasound on April 6 to make sure all the little parts are developing normally and we'll get to find out if it's a He Squirt or a She Squirt. We can't wait!

Milestone

2007-01-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

Today I am 9 weeks. My first pregnacy stopped developing at 8.5 weeks, so I have officially cleared that hurdle. The past couple of days have been wrenching as I awaited today's ultrasound, complete with miscarriage nightmares (which in my case tend to come true), slight red spotting, and seemingly disappearing pregnancy symptoms (which have magically reappeared now that I know I'm still pregnant).

Despite gnawing fears, I climbed onto the table this morning to meet my fate. It was my first appointment with my regular OB, and he was so excited to see me - he gave me a huge hug. He understands what I have been through and is ready to hold my hand as much as I need it. I was shaking and crying before the ultrasound, and I refused to look at the screen until he said it was ok. Once I did look, I couldn't immediately see the heartbeat and of course freaked out, but he quickly showed it to me, and sure enough it was still flashing away. The baby is a much bigger blob now, and I could tell what was the head, arms, and legs. It was even wiggling around a bit! I am thrilled and relieved to have made it this far, and I think this one just may go the distance.

A Flash of Hope

2007-01-06T11:13:00.000-05:00

On Friday I had my second ultrasound. My husband is gone for 6 weeks for his officer training (perfect timing, huh?) so a good friend came along. I never thought I'd have a girlfriend (and her 6 month old baby) in the room with me for a vaginal ultrasound, but hey, things change. It was incredibly comforting to have her there, and frankly I was too scared to drive myself anyway.

So what did we see? There on the screen was a beautiful little blob, much much bigger than last week's barely existent blob, and the most gorgeous sight of all - a tiny flashing heartbeat. It was the most wonderful thing I've ever seen. After going through the experience of having an ultrasound where they tell you your baby no longer has a heartbeat, I will tell you that the first seconds of the ultrasound, before the doctor said anything or showed me anything, were agony. I was terrified. But once I saw that little flashing, I felt for the first time like I may really be having a baby. This one could turn out alright.

The doctor was very upbeat, whereas I found his tone to be too cautious last week. He gave me a big hug and ultimately released me to my regular OB. The nurses wished me luck and congratulated me as I left, graduating from the infertility office that has become a home away from home to the long awaited obstetrician's office. I will have my first appointment and next ultrasound there in 2 weeks, when I will be 9 weeks along. This will be a few days past the point my first baby died, so it will be another milestone.

I am allowing myself to get more excited about this pregnancy, but then there are times, like today, when I have a little brown spotting (which my doctor assured me is nothing to worry about), that I remember I can't get too confident. I will do everything I can, but ultimately this is out of my hands.

The Second Hurdle

2006-12-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

Today was the second beta, the real test for us since I have never had a good second beta before. And the results?

1156

My levels more than doubled, which is more than we could have hoped for. I feel that this was a major milestone and I am ecstatic. Baby so far is doing well! I have a final beta on Tuesday and hopefully a first sonogram on Friday. My DH leaves for 6 weeks for officer training next Sunday, so we want for him to be able to see the first sono.

Another good day. We are thankful.

Hang On, Little Bean

2006-12-29T18:07:00.000-05:00

After a whirlwind two weeks of holidays, in-laws, emotional turmoil, and road trips, I have wonderful news to report. I. Am. Pregnant. Yes, it's true. I know, I know - I can't believe it either. But, the bloodwork doesn't lie and yesterday I had a solid beta count of 460. I was quite happy with this, compared to my last beta of 6 after the 3rd IUI. The real test comes tomorrow when I have a repeat to see if it doubled. We are of course scared to get too excited at this point, but honestly it has just got to be our turn. Right? Surely this is our long-desired child.

Symptoms so far:

Huge swollen painful breasts, which have apparently drawn up some sort of treasure map in blue veins. DH is fascinated with them of course.

Morning lightheadedness and middle of the night nausea. No vomiting yet, but I'll be sure to report if that happens.

Struck down with the sleepy stick. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz........

I am convinced something is rotten in my refrigerator, and after having several people go in there to sniff around, have been told there is no smell whatsoever in there. Also almost gagged from the smell of DH's starched shirt the other day, and I have never noticed that smell before.

Light cramping and weird stretchy pains when I stand quickly, cough, sneeze, roll over, just about anything. This is freaking me out and making me think I'm dislodging the baby. Will ask nurse about it tomorrow.

So there you go. Four weeks and 4 days down, many many more to go. Mission in life is to keep this one growing and thriving.

The Eight Celled Wonder

2006-12-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

Alot has happened this week, and of course new challenges were thrown our way. Things were going too well I suppose. On my daily visits to the stirrups, the doctors continued to rave over my gorgeous follicles, and my E2 levels rose nicely. We scheduled the egg retrieval for Monday, dreaming through rose colored glasses of 16 perfect eggs from my 16 follicles, and having our choice of perfect embryos to transfer with plenty left over to freeze. Ha! How naive of us.

Fast forward to the hazy demeral laced moments when I woke up in recovery. My husband was there, and I was aware of people coming and going. I also noticed one of those mauve kidney-shaped puke pans resting on my chest. Had I been throwing up while I was still out of it? And more importantly, if I were to throw up now, how am I supposed to ensure it goes into this tiny little container?

In comes the nurse, and in her very sweet and compassionate voice she tells my husband they only retrieved 4 eggs. Four. Out of 16 follicles. What the fuck? Cue the tears. I am beyond frustrated. How did this happen? The doctor comes in and repeats the news, adding that he was quite surprised with the outcome and basically has no answers as to how or why it happened. But he reminds us not to give up hope. There is still a chance with the 4 we got.

We go home. I puke. Sleep most of the day. Feel hopeless and pathetic. The next day does not go much better. I refuse to get out of my pajamas until I hear the fertilization report from the doctor, as I'm afraid he'll call if I get in the shower or dare to leave the house. He doesn't call until after 3 pm. Report: only 1 egg fertilized. We will have to wait and see how it does over the next 24 hours before deciding about transfer. Still, he has no answers as to what could have caused this, and in my mind I hear him saying the words "donor eggs" in a future conversation. I am crushed.

Wednesday brought better news. Our one embryo was thriving and looking great. Transfer would take place the next day. We're still in the game! Meanwhile I am in constant excruciating pain and am worried about OHSS. The nurse assures me what I'm feeling is probably normal and not to worry too much. Still, it hurts like a bitch and I was stupid and overdid things that day, only making it worse.

Thursday morning the embryologist comes to meet with us before the procedure and says our embryo is perfect. Eight tiny cells, great quality. Here - see for yourself.
Isn't that the most adorable ball of cells you've ever seen? I was thrilled when they gave me this picture. They also let us keep the petri dish, though I'm not quite sure what to do with it....

So, our one perfect little embryo has been safely returned to its rightful home, where hopefully it will nestle in for a long stay. The dreaded 2ww begins!

When We Need the Bull, We Need the Bull

2006-12-06T20:21:00.000-05:00

My doctor visit went well today. I told him I am getting pretty uncomfortable; he said it's normal and that it's going to get worse. Yay. He then oohed and aahed over my glorious follicles, giving me that proud mother bear feeling I like so much. I have eight beautiful follies in there, growing on schedule, almost ready for picking. Two more nights of stims, and yet another dosage increase. I go back tomorrow, but we're hopefully looking at trigger on Friday and retrieval on Sunday. My husband has recently joined the Air National Guard (a whole other story that begins with him graduating from the Virginia Military Institute in 1999 and ends with him going away to officer training in Tennessee for 6 weeks in January and us being sent to Texas for 7 months any time after that for intel training - sigh.). Anyway, he has a drill in PA this weekend and is concerned about the timing of all of this. My doctor's response to his scheduling questions: "When we need the bull, we need the bull." This is possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard my doctor say, though I realize it indirectly refers to me as a cow. Now, as much as I feel like a bloated cow right now, I'd prefer if others didn't refer to me that way.

In other news, I am part of an IVF message board on BabyCenter.com, and I am pleased to say that every single woman on that board who has completed their IVF cycle this month is pregnant! It is the best run of good luck I've seen in a long time, and I am terrified that I will be the one to break the streak. It would be just like me. I am famous for having rotten luck, which makes times like this even more stressful. Medical science cannot always overcome such karma, so it is entirely possible that this will all fail simply because that is the kind of thing that happens to me. I know it sounds like I am being overly pessimisic, but seriously it is almost comical the way things work out sometimes. But I will take my chances. Things have to turn around sometime, right?

Life Goes On...and on...and on..Until Your Head Spins

2006-12-05T21:17:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I've posted here. There is a lot that has happened and a lot yet to happen in the near future. Thanksgiving came and went without a morsel of turkey hitting my lips, though that was the least of my concerns that day. My father, my amazing, inspiring Daddy, lost his 31 year battle with multiple sclerosis on Friday, November 24. The day after Thanksgiving. When my dad was 27, the same age I am now, he was diagnosed with MS and was told he had roughly five years to live. He decided to live life to the fullest and never took a day for granted. My mom was pregnant with my sister at the time, and three years later they brought me into the world. Daddy was a true fighter, and he fought and he fought as long as his poor body could fight, outliving doctors' predictions by 25 years. He died a young man of 58 with his family by his bedside. We should all be so lucky as to go peacefully and quietly with those we love standing over us. It was one of the more poignant moments of my life and I will never forget it.

I am now trying to find meaning in my father's death and am truly hoping that he is up in heaven watching over me, and that he will help to send us a baby. I know that when we do have a baby my dad's spirit will shine in his or her eyes, and I can't wait for that day. So, as he would want me to, I am pressing on with the IVF, hoping to create new life where one was lost.

I am on day 7 of stims and hoping the egg retrieval will be very soon. The doctor increased my dosage of follistim from 50 to 125 last night and tonight, so hopefully tomorrow's ultrasound will show vast progression. I am getting impatient, not to mention uncomfortable. My stomach is full of red dots where I have been jabbed repeatedly every night, and my arms are back in heroin addict mode, with new track marks just about every day. I've always been told I have lovely skin because it is so fair and white. Not so pretty now when every stick leaves a fresh mark. Oh well. This isn't about beauty, right? Although, my RE did say yesterday that I have beautiful ovaries, and I'll have to say I've been feeling awfully smug ever since.

Anyway, as the Christmas season gets in full swing (yikes) I am feeling bittersweet. I am feeling such an overwhelming mix of sadness and grief and hope and love and admiration and, well, just plain exhaustion. As my daddy would do, I will power through.

And So It Begins

2006-11-11T14:45:00.000-05:00

AF arrived, slowly but surely, two days after my last post. No surprise there. So now I have embarked on the amazing journey of IVF, nervous, anxious, and full of a nice mixture of excitement and dread. The first step, interestingly enough, is birth control pills. Yes, that's right. I am on the pill. I honestly didn't think I'd ever swallow another BCP in my life, but certainly not in the midst of TTC. That's how it goes though.

Next step: I have a hysteroscopy scheduled for Tuesday, which is a little exploratory procedure to make sure there's nothing in my uterus which may be offensive to innocent little embryos, such as fibroids, polyps, tumors, aliens, etc. Then we have a cycle review Friday and a nurse will come to our house Friday evening for an injections lesson. Super fun. I will take my first injection that night, which I am assuming will be Lupron. From that point on I will have daily encounters with needles, and boy am I looking forward to it.

So, that's the latest. Things should get more exciting in the weeks to come, so I will update accordingly.

The Case of the Missing AF

2006-11-07T14:58:00.000-05:00

As I sit here on my laptop on a rainy election day, my evil friend Aunt Flo is officially missing. We have passed the 24 hour mark, now fill out the missing person's report. Where could she be? On holiday in Barbados, escaping the relentless campaign ads and telephone calls? Visiting relatives in Florida? Seriously bitch - either show up or send a change of address form. Because as much as I would like to hope that her absence is due to a miracle, drug-free pregnancy, I don't believe that to be the case. Neither does the Clear Blue Easy stick that I peed on this morning. The digital flashing "Not Pregnant" was a sure sign of CBE's opinion on the matter. Now, I am not one who normally wishes for AF to arrive. In fact I would like to beat her away with a stick. But if we're going to move on to IVF as scheduled, then she has to make an appearance. I have been getting the jitters about this whole thing lately, and I'm afraid if I wait much longer I may back out altogether. My husband, ever the soothing spouse, has assured me we will do whatever I am comfortable with (though I can see in his eyes that he is just itching to do his business in a cup and mix it with my business in a petri dish). So I have told him from now on it is his job to talk me into this. Take away my free will. Bribe me with diamonds and chocolate if you must, honey. I will draw the line at beating me into submission, but honestly I need for him to have some resolve in this because I am just not 100% sure. It is a scary scary thing.

Anyway, if you have seen AF lurking around, please tell her to make up her mind. Either knock on my door by the end of business today, or send a telegram to Clear Blue Easy that things have changed. It would be most appreciated.

Sorry Kids, Aunt Emily is Ovulating

2006-10-26T12:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been out of touch for a while. I went to visit my sister and my nieces in South Carolina last week and have been recovering for the past couple of days. My youngest niece turned 1 last Friday, which is so hard to believe. My sister and I were pregnant together for a brief couple of months. Now her daughter is a precious one year old and I am still waiting for my baby. It's funny how life works. But my sister's girls are the light of my life and I loved every minute I spent with them. My older niece is 3 1/2 going on 25. I have never met a brighter, more precocious child. And for some reason she is totally in love with her Aunt Emily. It is the most wonderful feeling to have a little blond fireball leap into my arms whenever she sees me, totally trusting and one hundred percent thrilled to be there with me. We spent several fun-filled days coloring, swinging, eating popsicles, and throwing tea parties. She wore me out. I mean, the one day that we spent the entire day together, I thought I might collapse. Several times that day I wondered if I am truly ready for motherhood, and I found myself wholly impressed by my sister's ability to simply get through each day.

My husband wasn't with me on this trip, so I had packed a box of ovulation tests to take with me, as I was in the middle of my cycle. We wanted to get in one more good try before starting IVF. So when I saw those 2 dark lines on Sunday evening, I knew I had to go home. Early Monday morning my sister was dressing the girls for school and daycare, and I stumbled into the nursery in my pajamas. My 3 year old niece asked what I was going to do that day while she was at school, and when I softly told her I had to go home that day, I have never seen a more pitiful sad face. My heart broke into a million pieces. We both cried and she told me I couldn't leave because she really really really loves me, and I just melted right there on the carpet. I couldn't exactly tell her that I had to rush home to have perfectly timed sex, could I? It was sad for both of us, and just another reminder of how my life is ruled by my infertility and how it affects everyone around me. I felt terrible. That night my niece left her own bed and slept in the guest bed I had occupied until that morning, just to feel close to me.

This is why I want children. They are so pure of heart and can make you feel like a superhero just by leaping into your open arms.

Crackheads Can't Quit, and Neither Can I

2006-10-16T17:34:00.000-05:00

We had our consult with our RE today. I went in armed with two pages worth of questions (along the lines of Why the fuck am I not pregnant and what are you going to do about it?) and came out feeling the familiar tug at my ovaries. I crave the needles and the sonograms and the crazy crazy hormones. Well, not really, but I need to keep taking the next step. It looks like this one month break is going to be all the time we take off, and we're jumping back in the stirrups again soon. That's right folks. We're taking the IVF plunge. I still can't believe things have gone this far, but there you go.

We haven't made things official with the doctor's office yet, but after a few hours of mulling things over, both my husband and I decided we are ready. Why wait? This is what we need to do.

Reasons to do IVF:

1. We want a baby. Not next year, not by the time I'm 35, NOW. Well, actually, we want a baby a year ago, but that seems a little unrealistic, doesn't it?

2. It's our best shot. I've always thought of IVF as a last resort, but I'm trying to change my thinking. It's not the last resort, it's the BEST resort.

Reasons not to do IVF:

1. What if it doesn't work? We'll be out $10,000 and I will officially go over the edge. I'm teetering as it is.

2. What if it turns out it is a last resort, and it doesn't work? Well, that's not likely. Even if we have to try several times, I believe it will work eventually.

3. It's scary. It will involve tons of needles, absolutely chaotic hormones, extreme bloating (as if I'm not already bloated enough most of the time), and it will be completely emotionally exhausting. Did I mention my fear that it won't work??

Fears aside, we both think this is our best chance right now, and one should always take the best chance when it comes along. And hell, this could end up being the best $10,000 we ever spend. Then again, you could buy a whole lot of crack with that...

When You Have Scar Tissue in Your Veins, It's Time for a Break

2006-10-09T16:02:00.000-05:00

I went back for my repeat beta on Friday morning. I drove to the RE's office in the cold rain, wearing a sweater for the first time this year (which immediately began creeping up at the bottom, over the mound of bloated belly I have unfortunately become accustomed to), and I sat in the waiting room, fidgeting nervously.

The nurse called me back and I did not miss the sympathy in her eyes and in her voice, so I knew from the get-go that she wasn’t expecting a miracle in my case, so neither should I. Then came the poking. I stuck out my right arm, as I had done the left on Wednesday. It’s good to switch sides. The needle went in, a huge pain ensued, and the nurse gently told me that she had struck some scar tissue in my vein (a sure sign I’ve been poked too many times) and could not draw the blood. She was very apologetic as she removed the needle and tried again on the other arm, next to Wednesday’s bruises. Complete with two bandages, I left the doctor’s office with very little hope.

My hopes ebbed even more a little while later when I went to the bathroom and discovered I had begun to spot. Sigh.
Fast forward to 2:00 p.m. I am in the backseat of my car, riding past the Pentagon into Washington, D.C. My husband is driving, my mom beside him. We have all just gone to lunch. His cell phone rings. It’s the nurse. I know immediately from his tone that it’s the news we all expected. Once again I have stagnant beta results. It is still 6. Much like last time in May, when it was an unchanged 44. By Saturday morning, AF had arrived.

So, another chemical pregnancy. We have decided to take this month off from treatments. I have had it with IUI, and I need to do more research/soul searching before we dive into IVF. Oh, and I need to come up with $10,000. We will consult with the doctor and see what he recommends for our next step. But for October, I am going to exercise, rest, and enjoy my husband. Maybe even have sex for fun (gasp!).

I’m sure by next week I’ll be peeing on ovulation sticks, and I’ve already ordered two books on conquering infertility. So I’m not out of this game, just sitting out an inning or two. Stay tuned.

Oh, the Waiting

2006-10-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

Once again, I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow. I have waivered between delirious hope and crushing realism since yesterday afternoon, and I've got to say it's exhausting. It seems to be taking a physical toll as well. With my tiny number 6 HCG, I am suddenly feeling the urge to puke every couple of hours or so, and I have had what I can only describe as a stitch in my side since yesterday evening. It feels like I have been jogging and got a cramp in my side (this feeling is a vague memory, as I am certainly not a runner), and it will not let up or go away. It is up under my rib cage on the right side. This morning in a wave of panic, I googled "Ectopic Symptoms," convinced I am having an ectopic pregnancy. Now, let's hope that isn't the case. But in all honesty I think this pain is too high to be in my tubes, and that tiny number 6 surely could not be creating such a pain, right? I will mention it to the nurse tomorrow when I go in, but I'm thinking maybe I strained something at yoga on Tuesday night? Could this pain be totally pregnancy unrelated?

In other news, my mother's plane should be taking off in 58 minutes. My house is officially clean (well, cleanish) and I am going to meet a friend and her baby for coffee. Decaf, just in case.

And the Results Are....

2006-10-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

6

Hmm. HCG level 6. Anything over 5 is considered positive, so technically I had a positive pregnancy test. But we can't just leave it at that and start painting the nursery. This is a very low level, and not one to jump up and down about. My last positive pregnancy test was a level of 44, and that one turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, so you can imagine I am not head over heels over this 6. So, the waiting continues. I go back Friday for a repeat, and we'll see if it doubled. If it did, we have something to work with and it could be a perfectly normal pregnancy. If not, well, we move on. Again.

The thing is, I am not a patient person. I can't just say, oh we'll wait and see what they say on Friday. That is TWO WHOLE DAYS away! So in the mean time, I will devour any information I can find on the internet, skipping over anything negative, and focus on all those sites where I keep reading that it doesn't matter how low the number is, as long as it doubles. Perfectly healthy babies can be born from pregnancies with low levels. Maybe I'm pregnant with a dainty little baby who can't be bothered to grow too quickly right here at the beginning? We can only hope. I swear - who knew motherhood could be so damn hard BEFORE there is even a baby?

Speaking of mothers, mine is coming to town tomorrow. I had purposely scheduled my beta for today (13dpIUI) instead of tomorrow (14dpIUI) so that I could process the news without her having to know about it. There was a time when my husband and I were very open with our families about our infertility woes, but it became too much for me to bear, having to keep everyone updated. So a few months ago we told everyone that from now on we are keeping quiet. When there's something they need to know, they'll know. (I, of course, didn't last long with keeping it all from my sister, so she is the one person I still rant to. Mom, of course, does not know this.) Well, now it appears I'm going to have to tell my mom everything. I don't see how I can get up on Friday, go have a blood test, then spend the day shopping with her, all the while wondering when I will get the call with the results. Somehow I think she'll know something is going on. And it really doesn't seem fair to keep it from her when she'll be right here in the middle of it. As my sister said, most likely I will be so agitated that my mother will piss me off even more easily than usual, and it is only fair to let her know why.

Now for the real dilemma. On this shopping trip of ours, my mom is planning to buy me some new jeans. All of my Sevens are too small, as I have been in a constant state of bloat for months (I chalk it up to fertility drugs), and she wants to buy me some new ones so I can feel pretty and stylish again. How lovely. I have been thinking this will be a great consolation prize for a negative pregnancy test, but with today's non-news, I don't know. What if it turns out I really am pregnant? I guess that's why they have return policies, right? I'll just have to resist the urge to wear them out of the store.

Ok, I know that paragraph was really shallow. I just have to try and keep things light. I am a tortured person and can't be held accountable for shallow musings about jeans. Sometimes it's the little things, you know?

24 Hours or So

2006-10-03T13:05:00.000-05:00

In 24 hours or so, I'll get a call. Actually, my husband will get the call because I have a haircut appointment and don't want it to be spoiled by a nurse calling with bad news. So my husband will get this call, and the person on the other end of the line (one of the very sweet nurses at our infertility clinic) will tell him our fate. Either we will be parents in nine months, or we won't. Now, I have been through the ringer enough to know that even good news tomorrow does not secure us a spot in the maternity ward come June, but in those first few moments when he receives the news, it will be that black and white. Either it worked or it didn't. Then he will have the joyous task of relaying the message to me, once I am properly coifed and safely home, near the tequila bottle.

This was our third IUI cycle. Certainly not the beginning of our journey, but the start of our ride on the high-tech rollercoaster. The rickety old low-tech ride was no fun at all, but I will get to that later. So, in May 06 we did our first IUI with Clomid, a drug I have come to loathe. I had started Clomid in Dec. 05 with my regular OB, and when I started seeing my RE he decided one more round couldn't hurt. On the day of insemination, I had one mature follicle and a uterine lining of less than stellar thickness (I think it was something like 6mm). We went ahead with the procedure (hell, we had already paid our $1000, so why not?), and two weeks later I got the call I am so dreading tomorrow. Only it was good news that day. Positive pregnancy test! HCG 44! Come back in two days to make sure it's doubling. We were elated. Surely after the hell we'd been through (again, more on that later) this was finally our time. We called our families. We assumed the best. Two days later, I was out to lunch with a girlfriend when the nurse called. I had just told my friend the good news. She wept with happiness for me, as her baby girl cooed beside her in her carseat. Her daughter was due the same week as my first angel.

The call was not good news. HCG was still 44. No increase, certainly no doubling. Chemical pregnancy. We were devastated but recovered more quickly than last time. Ok, I guess I better get to that. We were married in Dec. 04, and I went off the pill in February. I started charting, but we were not stressing about trying. In May, I got pregnant. First ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a tiny bean with a little flickering heartbeat. We told everyone we knew. The doctor said my chances of miscarrying were like 3% after seeing the heartbeat. At our 10 week appointment, no heartbeat. Life stopped. I didn't think I would survive the pain of losing that baby, and to this day I am still a broken woman. My butcher of a doctor botched the D&C, and it was a couple of months before my wonderful new doctor discovered what was going on. By this time I had made a couple of trips to the ER, practically bleeding to death. The D&C was not complete and I was still carrying around dead tissue. Another surgery insued. After that I thought getting pregnant again should be easy. Wrong. I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed Glucophage. That was a year ago. The saga continues, with the major gyst being several failed rounds of Clomid and a referral to an RE.

After the chemical pregnancy we tried on our own for a couple of months, then did another IUI, this time with an injectible drug called Follistim, in August. Again, just one follicle. No luck.

On this third try, the RE upped my meds and at the time of trigger I had either 2 or 3 mature follicles (one was borderline at the scan a couple days before) and my husband had a fantastic count of 67 million. We have been feeling good about this. My boobs have hurt like hell since the day of the IUI, which has never happened before. But still I am doubtful. We are not lucky people. Things like this don't tend to go our way. So I am terrified about what will come in 24 hours.