Milestone

Today I am 9 weeks. My first pregnacy stopped developing at 8.5 weeks, so I have officially cleared that hurdle. The past couple of days have been wrenching as I awaited today's ultrasound, complete with miscarriage nightmares (which in my case tend to come true), slight red spotting, and seemingly disappearing pregnancy symptoms (which have magically reappeared now that I know I'm still pregnant).

Despite gnawing fears, I climbed onto the table this morning to meet my fate. It was my first appointment with my regular OB, and he was so excited to see me - he gave me a huge hug. He understands what I have been through and is ready to hold my hand as much as I need it. I was shaking and crying before the ultrasound, and I refused to look at the screen until he said it was ok. Once I did look, I couldn't immediately see the heartbeat and of course freaked out, but he quickly showed it to me, and sure enough it was still flashing away. The baby is a much bigger blob now, and I could tell what was the head, arms, and legs. It was even wiggling around a bit! I am thrilled and relieved to have made it this far, and I think this one just may go the distance.

A Flash of Hope

On Friday I had my second ultrasound. My husband is gone for 6 weeks for his officer training (perfect timing, huh?) so a good friend came along. I never thought I'd have a girlfriend (and her 6 month old baby) in the room with me for a vaginal ultrasound, but hey, things change. It was incredibly comforting to have her there, and frankly I was too scared to drive myself anyway.

So what did we see? There on the screen was a beautiful little blob, much much bigger than last week's barely existent blob, and the most gorgeous sight of all - a tiny flashing heartbeat. It was the most wonderful thing I've ever seen. After going through the experience of having an ultrasound where they tell you your baby no longer has a heartbeat, I will tell you that the first seconds of the ultrasound, before the doctor said anything or showed me anything, were agony. I was terrified. But once I saw that little flashing, I felt for the first time like I may really be having a baby. This one could turn out alright.

The doctor was very upbeat, whereas I found his tone to be too cautious last week. He gave me a big hug and ultimately released me to my regular OB. The nurses wished me luck and congratulated me as I left, graduating from the infertility office that has become a home away from home to the long awaited obstetrician's office. I will have my first appointment and next ultrasound there in 2 weeks, when I will be 9 weeks along. This will be a few days past the point my first baby died, so it will be another milestone.

I am allowing myself to get more excited about this pregnancy, but then there are times, like today, when I have a little brown spotting (which my doctor assured me is nothing to worry about), that I remember I can't get too confident. I will do everything I can, but ultimately this is out of my hands.