Sorry Kids, Aunt Emily is Ovulating

Well, I've been out of touch for a while. I went to visit my sister and my nieces in South Carolina last week and have been recovering for the past couple of days. My youngest niece turned 1 last Friday, which is so hard to believe. My sister and I were pregnant together for a brief couple of months. Now her daughter is a precious one year old and I am still waiting for my baby. It's funny how life works. But my sister's girls are the light of my life and I loved every minute I spent with them. My older niece is 3 1/2 going on 25. I have never met a brighter, more precocious child. And for some reason she is totally in love with her Aunt Emily. It is the most wonderful feeling to have a little blond fireball leap into my arms whenever she sees me, totally trusting and one hundred percent thrilled to be there with me. We spent several fun-filled days coloring, swinging, eating popsicles, and throwing tea parties. She wore me out. I mean, the one day that we spent the entire day together, I thought I might collapse. Several times that day I wondered if I am truly ready for motherhood, and I found myself wholly impressed by my sister's ability to simply get through each day.

My husband wasn't with me on this trip, so I had packed a box of ovulation tests to take with me, as I was in the middle of my cycle. We wanted to get in one more good try before starting IVF. So when I saw those 2 dark lines on Sunday evening, I knew I had to go home. Early Monday morning my sister was dressing the girls for school and daycare, and I stumbled into the nursery in my pajamas. My 3 year old niece asked what I was going to do that day while she was at school, and when I softly told her I had to go home that day, I have never seen a more pitiful sad face. My heart broke into a million pieces. We both cried and she told me I couldn't leave because she really really really loves me, and I just melted right there on the carpet. I couldn't exactly tell her that I had to rush home to have perfectly timed sex, could I? It was sad for both of us, and just another reminder of how my life is ruled by my infertility and how it affects everyone around me. I felt terrible. That night my niece left her own bed and slept in the guest bed I had occupied until that morning, just to feel close to me.

This is why I want children. They are so pure of heart and can make you feel like a superhero just by leaping into your open arms.