Sorry Kids, Aunt Emily is Ovulating

Well, I've been out of touch for a while. I went to visit my sister and my nieces in South Carolina last week and have been recovering for the past couple of days. My youngest niece turned 1 last Friday, which is so hard to believe. My sister and I were pregnant together for a brief couple of months. Now her daughter is a precious one year old and I am still waiting for my baby. It's funny how life works. But my sister's girls are the light of my life and I loved every minute I spent with them. My older niece is 3 1/2 going on 25. I have never met a brighter, more precocious child. And for some reason she is totally in love with her Aunt Emily. It is the most wonderful feeling to have a little blond fireball leap into my arms whenever she sees me, totally trusting and one hundred percent thrilled to be there with me. We spent several fun-filled days coloring, swinging, eating popsicles, and throwing tea parties. She wore me out. I mean, the one day that we spent the entire day together, I thought I might collapse. Several times that day I wondered if I am truly ready for motherhood, and I found myself wholly impressed by my sister's ability to simply get through each day.

My husband wasn't with me on this trip, so I had packed a box of ovulation tests to take with me, as I was in the middle of my cycle. We wanted to get in one more good try before starting IVF. So when I saw those 2 dark lines on Sunday evening, I knew I had to go home. Early Monday morning my sister was dressing the girls for school and daycare, and I stumbled into the nursery in my pajamas. My 3 year old niece asked what I was going to do that day while she was at school, and when I softly told her I had to go home that day, I have never seen a more pitiful sad face. My heart broke into a million pieces. We both cried and she told me I couldn't leave because she really really really loves me, and I just melted right there on the carpet. I couldn't exactly tell her that I had to rush home to have perfectly timed sex, could I? It was sad for both of us, and just another reminder of how my life is ruled by my infertility and how it affects everyone around me. I felt terrible. That night my niece left her own bed and slept in the guest bed I had occupied until that morning, just to feel close to me.

This is why I want children. They are so pure of heart and can make you feel like a superhero just by leaping into your open arms.

Crackheads Can't Quit, and Neither Can I

We had our consult with our RE today. I went in armed with two pages worth of questions (along the lines of Why the fuck am I not pregnant and what are you going to do about it?) and came out feeling the familiar tug at my ovaries. I crave the needles and the sonograms and the crazy crazy hormones. Well, not really, but I need to keep taking the next step. It looks like this one month break is going to be all the time we take off, and we're jumping back in the stirrups again soon. That's right folks. We're taking the IVF plunge. I still can't believe things have gone this far, but there you go.

We haven't made things official with the doctor's office yet, but after a few hours of mulling things over, both my husband and I decided we are ready. Why wait? This is what we need to do.

Reasons to do IVF:

1. We want a baby. Not next year, not by the time I'm 35, NOW. Well, actually, we want a baby a year ago, but that seems a little unrealistic, doesn't it?

2. It's our best shot. I've always thought of IVF as a last resort, but I'm trying to change my thinking. It's not the last resort, it's the BEST resort.

Reasons not to do IVF:

1. What if it doesn't work? We'll be out $10,000 and I will officially go over the edge. I'm teetering as it is.

2. What if it turns out it is a last resort, and it doesn't work? Well, that's not likely. Even if we have to try several times, I believe it will work eventually.

3. It's scary. It will involve tons of needles, absolutely chaotic hormones, extreme bloating (as if I'm not already bloated enough most of the time), and it will be completely emotionally exhausting. Did I mention my fear that it won't work??

Fears aside, we both think this is our best chance right now, and one should always take the best chance when it comes along. And hell, this could end up being the best $10,000 we ever spend. Then again, you could buy a whole lot of crack with that...

When You Have Scar Tissue in Your Veins, It's Time for a Break

I went back for my repeat beta on Friday morning. I drove to the RE's office in the cold rain, wearing a sweater for the first time this year (which immediately began creeping up at the bottom, over the mound of bloated belly I have unfortunately become accustomed to), and I sat in the waiting room, fidgeting nervously.

The nurse called me back and I did not miss the sympathy in her eyes and in her voice, so I knew from the get-go that she wasn’t expecting a miracle in my case, so neither should I. Then came the poking. I stuck out my right arm, as I had done the left on Wednesday. It’s good to switch sides. The needle went in, a huge pain ensued, and the nurse gently told me that she had struck some scar tissue in my vein (a sure sign I’ve been poked too many times) and could not draw the blood. She was very apologetic as she removed the needle and tried again on the other arm, next to Wednesday’s bruises. Complete with two bandages, I left the doctor’s office with very little hope.

My hopes ebbed even more a little while later when I went to the bathroom and discovered I had begun to spot. Sigh.
Fast forward to 2:00 p.m. I am in the backseat of my car, riding past the Pentagon into Washington, D.C. My husband is driving, my mom beside him. We have all just gone to lunch. His cell phone rings. It’s the nurse. I know immediately from his tone that it’s the news we all expected. Once again I have stagnant beta results. It is still 6. Much like last time in May, when it was an unchanged 44. By Saturday morning, AF had arrived.

So, another chemical pregnancy. We have decided to take this month off from treatments. I have had it with IUI, and I need to do more research/soul searching before we dive into IVF. Oh, and I need to come up with $10,000. We will consult with the doctor and see what he recommends for our next step. But for October, I am going to exercise, rest, and enjoy my husband. Maybe even have sex for fun (gasp!).

I’m sure by next week I’ll be peeing on ovulation sticks, and I’ve already ordered two books on conquering infertility. So I’m not out of this game, just sitting out an inning or two. Stay tuned.

Oh, the Waiting

Once again, I am anxiously awaiting tomorrow. I have waivered between delirious hope and crushing realism since yesterday afternoon, and I've got to say it's exhausting. It seems to be taking a physical toll as well. With my tiny number 6 HCG, I am suddenly feeling the urge to puke every couple of hours or so, and I have had what I can only describe as a stitch in my side since yesterday evening. It feels like I have been jogging and got a cramp in my side (this feeling is a vague memory, as I am certainly not a runner), and it will not let up or go away. It is up under my rib cage on the right side. This morning in a wave of panic, I googled "Ectopic Symptoms," convinced I am having an ectopic pregnancy. Now, let's hope that isn't the case. But in all honesty I think this pain is too high to be in my tubes, and that tiny number 6 surely could not be creating such a pain, right? I will mention it to the nurse tomorrow when I go in, but I'm thinking maybe I strained something at yoga on Tuesday night? Could this pain be totally pregnancy unrelated?

In other news, my mother's plane should be taking off in 58 minutes. My house is officially clean (well, cleanish) and I am going to meet a friend and her baby for coffee. Decaf, just in case.

And the Results Are....

6

Hmm. HCG level 6. Anything over 5 is considered positive, so technically I had a positive pregnancy test. But we can't just leave it at that and start painting the nursery. This is a very low level, and not one to jump up and down about. My last positive pregnancy test was a level of 44, and that one turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, so you can imagine I am not head over heels over this 6. So, the waiting continues. I go back Friday for a repeat, and we'll see if it doubled. If it did, we have something to work with and it could be a perfectly normal pregnancy. If not, well, we move on. Again.

The thing is, I am not a patient person. I can't just say, oh we'll wait and see what they say on Friday. That is TWO WHOLE DAYS away! So in the mean time, I will devour any information I can find on the internet, skipping over anything negative, and focus on all those sites where I keep reading that it doesn't matter how low the number is, as long as it doubles. Perfectly healthy babies can be born from pregnancies with low levels. Maybe I'm pregnant with a dainty little baby who can't be bothered to grow too quickly right here at the beginning? We can only hope. I swear - who knew motherhood could be so damn hard BEFORE there is even a baby?

Speaking of mothers, mine is coming to town tomorrow. I had purposely scheduled my beta for today (13dpIUI) instead of tomorrow (14dpIUI) so that I could process the news without her having to know about it. There was a time when my husband and I were very open with our families about our infertility woes, but it became too much for me to bear, having to keep everyone updated. So a few months ago we told everyone that from now on we are keeping quiet. When there's something they need to know, they'll know. (I, of course, didn't last long with keeping it all from my sister, so she is the one person I still rant to. Mom, of course, does not know this.) Well, now it appears I'm going to have to tell my mom everything. I don't see how I can get up on Friday, go have a blood test, then spend the day shopping with her, all the while wondering when I will get the call with the results. Somehow I think she'll know something is going on. And it really doesn't seem fair to keep it from her when she'll be right here in the middle of it. As my sister said, most likely I will be so agitated that my mother will piss me off even more easily than usual, and it is only fair to let her know why.

Now for the real dilemma. On this shopping trip of ours, my mom is planning to buy me some new jeans. All of my Sevens are too small, as I have been in a constant state of bloat for months (I chalk it up to fertility drugs), and she wants to buy me some new ones so I can feel pretty and stylish again. How lovely. I have been thinking this will be a great consolation prize for a negative pregnancy test, but with today's non-news, I don't know. What if it turns out I really am pregnant? I guess that's why they have return policies, right? I'll just have to resist the urge to wear them out of the store.

Ok, I know that paragraph was really shallow. I just have to try and keep things light. I am a tortured person and can't be held accountable for shallow musings about jeans. Sometimes it's the little things, you know?

24 Hours or So

In 24 hours or so, I'll get a call. Actually, my husband will get the call because I have a haircut appointment and don't want it to be spoiled by a nurse calling with bad news. So my husband will get this call, and the person on the other end of the line (one of the very sweet nurses at our infertility clinic) will tell him our fate. Either we will be parents in nine months, or we won't. Now, I have been through the ringer enough to know that even good news tomorrow does not secure us a spot in the maternity ward come June, but in those first few moments when he receives the news, it will be that black and white. Either it worked or it didn't. Then he will have the joyous task of relaying the message to me, once I am properly coifed and safely home, near the tequila bottle.

This was our third IUI cycle. Certainly not the beginning of our journey, but the start of our ride on the high-tech rollercoaster. The rickety old low-tech ride was no fun at all, but I will get to that later. So, in May 06 we did our first IUI with Clomid, a drug I have come to loathe. I had started Clomid in Dec. 05 with my regular OB, and when I started seeing my RE he decided one more round couldn't hurt. On the day of insemination, I had one mature follicle and a uterine lining of less than stellar thickness (I think it was something like 6mm). We went ahead with the procedure (hell, we had already paid our $1000, so why not?), and two weeks later I got the call I am so dreading tomorrow. Only it was good news that day. Positive pregnancy test! HCG 44! Come back in two days to make sure it's doubling. We were elated. Surely after the hell we'd been through (again, more on that later) this was finally our time. We called our families. We assumed the best. Two days later, I was out to lunch with a girlfriend when the nurse called. I had just told my friend the good news. She wept with happiness for me, as her baby girl cooed beside her in her carseat. Her daughter was due the same week as my first angel.

The call was not good news. HCG was still 44. No increase, certainly no doubling. Chemical pregnancy. We were devastated but recovered more quickly than last time. Ok, I guess I better get to that. We were married in Dec. 04, and I went off the pill in February. I started charting, but we were not stressing about trying. In May, I got pregnant. First ultrasound at 6 weeks showed a tiny bean with a little flickering heartbeat. We told everyone we knew. The doctor said my chances of miscarrying were like 3% after seeing the heartbeat. At our 10 week appointment, no heartbeat. Life stopped. I didn't think I would survive the pain of losing that baby, and to this day I am still a broken woman. My butcher of a doctor botched the D&C, and it was a couple of months before my wonderful new doctor discovered what was going on. By this time I had made a couple of trips to the ER, practically bleeding to death. The D&C was not complete and I was still carrying around dead tissue. Another surgery insued. After that I thought getting pregnant again should be easy. Wrong. I was diagnosed with PCOS and prescribed Glucophage. That was a year ago. The saga continues, with the major gyst being several failed rounds of Clomid and a referral to an RE.

After the chemical pregnancy we tried on our own for a couple of months, then did another IUI, this time with an injectible drug called Follistim, in August. Again, just one follicle. No luck.

On this third try, the RE upped my meds and at the time of trigger I had either 2 or 3 mature follicles (one was borderline at the scan a couple days before) and my husband had a fantastic count of 67 million. We have been feeling good about this. My boobs have hurt like hell since the day of the IUI, which has never happened before. But still I am doubtful. We are not lucky people. Things like this don't tend to go our way. So I am terrified about what will come in 24 hours.